vying for attention

a couple of days on, a couple of days off.
and at the end of it all i want is the chance to tell my story. i want to be able to tell my point of view. because when you watch the personal, emotional, and mental transition of all those around you, you tend to feel left behind. i'm not sure if anyone actually wants to hear my story but i'm finally at a point where i want to tell it, where i want people to know what makes me tick. well, if they won't give me the chance i'll have to make my own chance. and i'm working on it.

i'm working on a submission for student theatre productions. something i wrote. i want to be given this opportunity so bad that i can feel my hopes rising in my chest. with all that i have, i'm trying to suppress them because i have been so disappointed in the past. hope isn't a bad thing but it does make the fall a bit harder. personally of course, i want this. but on a much larger scale, the motivation for people to produce new works is fading quickly. if your name is not established, no one wants to do your work. what better place to start showcasing new works than in an academic setting? the works of female playwrights are especially looked over. since i haven't been given the chance anywhere else, can't this be the one i get?

but it is a competition, and i [unfortunately] have to be realistic. and if we don't get it, there can be other routes. we must keep that in mind.

writing down how much i want this may hurt me in the end. but i think it is good for the universe to know. and whoever happens to stumble across this blog.

the time of many changes

the more i think about this possibility, the less i feel like i should do it. i'm still going to, i'm still excited to go to the information session tonight for teach for america and a one-on-one session tomorrow but i am starting to lean away from it. i'm not sure that i can commit myself to something for two years when i don't know that my heart is in it. call me an idealist but i would like to do what i want to do. i know i'll have to do anything, everything in order to get there but i will get there. i'm starting to believe it more and more.

i guess i should trust what i feel. the idea of tfa for two years makes my stomach turn but the idea of getting to choose whatever comes next, and being able to change it at a moment's notice excites me; it makes me happy.

who knows though? my wants/needs/desires could change tomorrow. in fact, they could change as soon as i hit the "publish post" button.

paperwork

it is almost official.
all i have to do if pick a college to graduate from (fine and performing arts) and i will really be on the road to graduation. it feels strange to say the least. i always thought i would be in school forever. the end of schooling didn't seem like a possibility, must less a reality but here it is approaching...quickly.

i suppose this means i should figure out what comes next. right? i'm considering teach for america but there are a lot of questions that still need to be answered in that realm. i'm going to an information session on thursday and meeting, one-on-one with a representative on friday. to have a plan scares me half to death, whereas, for most people, a plan would comfort them. not having a plan makes sense to me. although, maybe i should rearrange my sense?

anyway, this idea is just one of many possibilities. i need to start looking at internships, for jobs, for where i want to live. i would like to move out of the state but i can't do that unless i have a job first. and i don't know what state i would want to move to. there are so many variables.

samantha = x

pictures

i see what i want to see in pictures. i look for the certain turn of the head, the way someone's mouth opens, where they are standing in the room. something i look through people's photo albums to get a sense of who they are. pictures of a person are nice, but i think it is the pictures people take of other people are more indicative of who they are, where they come from, who they love then just pictures of themselves.

they aren't many pictures of me right now. and i'm not taking many pictures right now.

transitions

holidays pass like regular weekdays, with a sunrise, daylight, sunset, and darkness.

some would like me to pick up where i left off, to be the same. how can i when everything is different? with each year, we all change and our behavior, too, must change with us. while the location is the same, the circumstances are different. so do not fault me for being different, for taking time to recover. do not fault me the way i deal with things or the time it takes. do not fault me my different lifestyle or my readjusting. i'm just doing what i have to.

i'll figure it out. i'm starting to figure it out.