new year

i'd like to say i have lots of plans for the new year and i would actually say it but i think i'll spare you. i'm riding the wave right now, still figuring everything out. so i think that's the plan: figure some stuff out. i won't figure everything out, i know that, but some stuff. i can do that.

new year, here i come.
(and i'll be wearing a pretty new dress and shoes.)

cheers.

is this real life?

christmas is quickly sneaking up on me. everyday i wake up and think..."hm. it's almost christmas. weird." okay, so that's not a very intelligent statement but it is what is happening in my head. where did the time go? it feels like yesterday i was still in school trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel. now i'm six months out of college, i basically have a real job, i live in a new city. you could say i have a life.

what?!

none of this has really registered. i think about it a lot but i don't think the synapses are connecting. i'm dreading the day when they do connect. what's that day gonna be like?

anyway,
happy holidays.

holiday cards

it is that time of the year:
the time of the year for writing many holidays cards and fighting off sinus issues and seeing holiday plays and watching too many holiday movies.

i do love this time of year.

and i especially love that i will be on vacation soon.

oh crap. i should do my laundry.

kick off

sitting in the dark in my room.
listening to the charlie brown christmas album.
watching the sideways snow fall.

most of me has never liked snow but it is gorgeous tonight. it'll be rough to get around tomorrow but tonight
tonight i could bask in its glow forever.

patience

the advice i always give to people is to be patient.

yes, i believe this. of course, i don't think you should sit around and just wait for things to happen to you. you have to be proactive. but you always have to be patient. you can push and push and push but there is the other side too.

i'm trying to practice what i preach. i need to be patient.
but now the challenge: to be more proactive at the same time.

rememberance

i think the thing i miss the most about nathan is how i knew i would always see him in some capacity. he would just end up where i was because of our group of friends. and i was thankful every time he was around. whenever i saw him i couldn't help but smile and laugh. he radiated caring and compassion.

i miss him.

two jobs

and no break until december.

although realistically, while i know i'll be done with one of my jobs in december i will have to find another job to supplement my one part time job.

no break until forever?

who knows.

my real life

i feel like the life i consider to be my real life is a life many would consider to be an illusion. regardless, i want to go back to my real life, my creative life, the one that so artfully satiates my yearning to be something more than a working lemming.

i guess i knew this was coming. i hit the point where i have to figure out how to get things done on my own. i'm a little lost right now. (boy, that phrase brings back emo memories of freshman year.) this is where i need to remember to rely on the drive and motivation that i've had for so long. this is also where i need to remember that i get to define what happens next, not people from the past and not current expectations.

i don't know how to expect just a little bit.

hourly jobs

i like my job in the ticket office at intiman. i like the people i work with and most days the job is juuuuusssst fine. but i am learning a few things:
1. if someone poops on your face, you say thank you. (thank you dan for that expression.) that is to say, no matter how someone treats you, if they support your theatre, you say thank you.
2. i'm ready for a real person job (i.e. non-hourly job).
3. working with people you like makes all the difference.

in other news, our apartment is like a hostel - always people coming in and out. it's nice but it will also be nice to have a few days without people soon.

tourist season is over which means a little peace downtown. i may take a few more ventures down to Pike Place now. although working in seattle center always makes me feel like a tourist. AND i have a bunch of pictures of the space needle. here's just one example:

i like this city. i'm starting to get used to being an adult.

motivation

motivation and i are playing hide-n-seek right now. so far, i'm winning.

reliance

it's grim

our reliance on money. more specifically, my reliance on money. i only have to wait three more days until i get another paycheck and yet it feels like years. i need to learn to budget better. i need to plan to save money so i'm not entirely living paycheck to paycheck. i'm not starving but i am a broke artist.

how bohemian of me.

tourist

i still think i'm a tourist in the city.
i have to fight my urge to keep looking up at all the tall buildings, to constantly gawk at the space needle, to giggle when i realize:
the middle/high schooler who dreamed of flying away and living in a big place...achieved that goal.

still when i walk through downtown on fridays and saturdays, i just want to kick every tourist holding a downtown seattle map, walking slowly, and impeding my journey to work.
i'm trying to get to coffee before i sell tickets. let me through!

i may not know seattle very well yet, but i do know downtown.
i'm getting there.

welcome to seattle

i told my mother today that i almost certainly would not be coming home for thanksgiving this year. she didn't sound very happy. a part of me is sad at the prospect of not going home. but another part of me is really exciting to be in charge of my own thanksgiving. maybe then it'll hit me that i am a real live adult.
not a fake one.
not a college kid.
a real adult.

i have a job. i achieved my goal: a job within two weeks. and actually, i did it in one week. i'm a ticket representative at the intiman theatre. today was my first day. it is hard to believe that less than one month after graduating i'm interning in a great theatre (book-it) and working for one (intiman). and yes, i'm not making very much money (none in one case) but i get to work in a field that i love, that i graduated in. so....GO ME.

yes, i am mushy these days but i'm really happy. i'd say it is a nice change.

want to hear more about my art in seattle? www.apocalypseplays.blogspot.com.

seattle-ite

i officially moved into the city three days ago and so far, i am very happy. this morning i went to the huge, freaking awesome seattle public library and got myself a library card. the library is only roughly three blocks from our apartment building so i suspect i'll be there often. it's a little sad to me that they have so many more plays on their shelves than we did at western. i avoided checking any plays out yet, though, because i am trying to finish a couple of other books and i need to concentrate on them.

the city is laid out before me. so far my knowledge of seattle is very limited. i'm becoming familiar with the downtown area since i live close to there and with seattle center since i intern there. one day i just need to have a bus adventure - you know, figure out the corners, the nooks, the crannies. i want to find the good restaurants, the beautiful parks, all the entertainment. i want to know the place i will live in for the next couple of years.

and who knows? maybe it'll be longer than the next couple of years.

packing

i'm packing up my life today. next week i'll sleep in an empty apartment. the week after i will have a new address.

oy.

free week

it feels almost like graduation never happened. it's surreal and a little bit empty. there are a million pictures to show me that i've graduated but none of them seem real. maybe it is because this week is a free week. i literally have zero commitments. they come up from moment to moment.

so far this week i've:
-bought a book to read for fun
-watched a lot of will & grace and 30 rock
- started to organize my school work, paperwork etc.
- had drinks with friends.
- plans to have big mama's midday today.

i'm just waiting to make the big move. it'll happen suddenly i'm sure. but it's just the wait.

last finals week

it is the final countdown. in a matter of days i will be a college graduate. okay, so it's like a matter of five years but...from today, it is a matter of days.

theatre prom was glorious. i thought i would be so much sadder during the day then i was. but i wasn't. now, i'm starting to feel the melancholy of leaving, the melancholy of not getting to know some people better, the melancholy of an end of a part of my life.

i mean, i'm going to be a kick-ass adult but i am scared.

in the meantime, i really need to get these papers done.

move-in

we've picked a (rough) move date to seattle. well, we picked a week that we are going to move: the week after graduation.
graduation: june 12th
moving to seattle: the week after that.
it's ridiculous and happening very fast. i'm excited to move, to be in a new place and be to back living in an apartment with my two best friends. i'm scared as hell though also. mostly financially. money has always been something i don't deal with very well. and now it seems i'm going to have to. although it is ridiculous, i wish a job would just fall in my lap like my internship did. wouldn't that be lucky? lucky...but unrealistic.

in the meantime, i'm having the same issue i was having before: staying motivated. in fact, as i sit here and type this blog entry watching 30 Rock on instant netflix, i should be writing a draft of my early english comedies paper.

i just
don't wanna.

this day

this day is a day that i hate. the day when lists for classes go up. in most ways, nearly all, this does not effect me in the slightest. i'm not desperately searching for my name on the lists, it doesn't at all change my plans for the future, it doesn't cause me to question my whole existence.

yet...

it is still hard. and to watch someone else fall apart because of a subjective decision making process wrecks my soul. to watch someone question their self worth because of a piece of paper with names on it is awful. it should happen.

in good news, i'll be one of the playwrights for a seattle rep intensive here at western for a week in the summer. i'm looking forward to that.

now...off to performance.

senior status

cassi and i recently went out and shot some senior pictures. they are totally cheesy and look like all senior pictures...and that's why i love them. i think the actually taking of the pictures reminds me that i am for sure about the graduate and enter the world. the next time i take "senior pictures" i will probably be a...person of older age.

anyway, more pictures to come but here is a small sample: http://www.cassigallagher.com/.
(taken of course, by the lovely cassi gallagher - a fantastic photographer and [i am proud to say] my best friend.)

some many events are pointing directly to the world beyond here.

one of those days

today is one of those days were nothing particularly bad happens but i feel like everything is held together with taut string and will soon fall apart.

i'm falling apart.

flashes

dreams are like flashes of things that have been and may be. day dreams are flashes of the past.

emily dickinson makes reminds me:
-the lilac coffin for my grandmother
-i haven't been to chinook in three years. will i ever go back?
-movement in the forward motion, i hope.

music is flashes of specific moments in my history.
-typical situation by dave matthews band places me at a very specific point on the lieutenant michael anderson highway between cheney and spokane. it's summer. i drive with my windows down because i don't have air conditioning.
-the spring awakening soundtrack places me at the corner of 21st and bill mcdonald. it's summer. i'm walking home from giving tours all day.
it seems i have the strongest associations with music and summer. i can feel the heat.

a month and a half left of school. i can do this.

news

on june 12th, i graduate with my B.A. in theatre arts and english.
on june 28th, i begin as an intern at book-it repertory theatre in seattle, wa.

just so you know.

come back

i'm starting to revive my motivation. before the goal was so close that i just thought i might sail through to the finish line.
...
sound weird? yes, let's face it. that isn't me. i think once i remembered who i was, my motivation started to come back. it's still has not fully returned but i'm started to want to work on things again. realizing that every day is schedule from roughly 10am to 11:30pm reminds me that i cannot slow down, i cannot wait. i have to be doing something all the time, even if it isn't exactly what i'm "supposed" to be doing.

i always have to be doing something. silly me.

now that spring has sprung

senioritis is grasping on to me so very hard right now. but i have to stay motivated. have to. it is time to finish this monster!

i'm about to be a college graduate.

segmented thoughts

*

we finally read through the entire play. we've been doing table work on an act a day for the last three days. it's amazing how much more are in some plays than you ever expect. i think as college theatre artists we tend to write off older plays as dated and beneath our experimental geniuses. that idea is misguided. there's a lot in miracle worker, a lot that can be mined and challenging for actors. don't write it off yet.

furthermore, how refreshing it is to work with a director who treats each of his actors equally. i feel and, i believe, everyone feels equally appreciated in the cast. it is a weird sensation to feel this way considering previous experiences. i think i'm going to like this show.

**

the first day of the last quarter of my undergraduate career came and went without much hype. i suppose it was because i was fighting off a significant cold that i didn't fully comprehend the weight of this last day. it might hit me next week when i am fully functioning once again.

***

it is the season of denials in the admissions office. so far in my time in the office i have only had to field two denial calls; one of those calls was today. it is a devastating experience to listen to some stories and just wish there was something that i, personally, could do. but i can't.

****

TGIF tomorrow.

i'm a big girl now.

at noon, i will be going to the last first spring quarter class of my undergraduate career. it doesn't seem real. i guess i always thought i would be in school. true, i plan to go to grad school some day which will turn the whole "last first day" thing on its head but, until then, this is the final countdown.

la la la la la.

this is my stop.
got to get off.
i may go pop.

excuse me.
excuse me.

i've got to be direct, (la, la, la)
if I'm wrong please correct, (la, la, la)
you're standing on my neck.

oh daria, i wish you were still on tv. oh, by the way, daria ended in 2002.
...
that is eight years ago.

dentist

if one more person asks me if i want to teach with degrees in theatre and english i might just scream at them. both the dentist and the hygienist asked that today. and when i told them i didn't want to teach both of them said (something close to) "hm. good luck with that."
okay...
go back to cleaning your teeth now.
i suppose i should be more confident when i answer because i know what field i want to be working in (theatre in case that is unclear, not plaque.)

it's time to go back to bellingham. the sighs are much less audible there.

a spring break of sorts

i'm in cheney for this part of spring break, the first part. i'll return to bellingham on tuesday, to find myself back at work on wednesday morning at 8am. i haven't spent any part of spring break in cheney for years and it seems different somehow. something is different about the air in the house. the feeling is not the same as it is when i come home for the holidays. maybe it is because there is nothing particularly special about this visit. there is no holiday to aspire to. i'm just here for a couple of days in march to relax (that should probably be in quotes) and then to head back and make myself some money before the reality of my final spring quarter begins. well, final quarter at least until grad school.

i have to petition for financial aid for my last quarter of school. i somehow wish i could win tuition at a casino, or win the lottery, or have everything fall into my lap. i realize that is, well, unrealistic. i'd rather not add loans onto of the loans i already have but i do have to graduate. i will it so.

i am about to be a real adult...i guess. or something like it.

geez, scary.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.

i miss you grandma.

i miss my show already.

we have a show

apocalypse plays have been eating my life for the last couple of weeks (apocalypseplays.blogspot.com). we're heading into tech tomorrow and at the end of the next week, the show will be over.

i'm exhausted. but i'm excited. but i'm exhausted.

see you on the other side of next week.

another hundred people

some days:
you think you know the question and you spend all your time trying to figure out the answer.

some days:
you think you know the answer and you spend all your time trying to figure out the question.

every other day:
you exist somewhere in the middle.

i'm in my middle phase.

basic functions

i've hit the point of being busy that i need to write "shower" on my hand so i remember to make time for the most basic body necessities. it seems a bit absurd but it is the only way i am going to remember.

final edits for the show: due on friday. the deadline is drawing near. the cast made some great progress tonight. i am proud.

sometimes i miss my evenings on the couch that i had the luxury of experiencing last quarter. and then i remember, it wasn't as great as ending up with an artistic product at the end of these long nights.

i need to get back to the gym.

thoughts on working out

1. i do it.

2. the irony of salivating to food network while working out is never lost on me.

3. watching comedians at the gym is not advisable. i laugh out loud at too high of a volume to be watching comedy central on the treadmill.

this time next month

it's almost february. goodness gracious. (ooooo. sorry to use such harsh language.) the first month of 2010 is about to be over. this month has held a lot of activity for me and i'm looking forward to maintaining that level of busyness. i've hit the point where every moment of my day is scheduled; i've forgotten what that feels like. quite the change from last quarter, that's for sure. a good way to spend my last winter quarter of my undergraduate career.

i was hoping to do something phenomenal for spring break this year, a last huzzah if you will. so far, the plans have fallen through. i might actually go home for spring break for a bit which i haven't done since 2006. we'll see though. it would be smart of me to stay in bellingham and work. although, i guess i did just pick up a second job so...

oh, time to frolic with oscar wilde. his version of salome is fascinating. and my professor is in love with him. for real.

cast

i will leave western with a main stage show...on main stage. i'm excited, i have to say. although not the part i was vying for, i can't really complain. however many other people auditioned and didn't get cast. this time, i'm one of the lucky ones. a lot more people are excited about my getting cast then i thought. it does feel good. like maybe these five years weren't wasted here. like in the end, at least one person noticed.

i'm about the head to callbacks for my show. the other side of the audition table is weird. but i'm excited. i'm gonna make them play games. yes, yes i am.

i'm busier than i have been. i like it. although, i need to pack more food during the day.

i feel like a fifth grader wrote this post. i think it reads like that.

winter cleaning

today our new roommate has started moving in. i woke early this morning to take care of some mold, cover some spots in paint, vacuum, and watch too much will and grace. i also got rid of bunch of empty boxes and things i don't use anymore. at least in the living room. it feels nice to get rid of some of the clutter. it'll help when i have to move after graduation. although, i still have a ridiculous amount of stuff and a shopping addiction (well, a shoe addiction) so getting rid of empty boxes and appliances that don't won't doesn't actually make that much of a dent in my clutter.

i wish more people were around though. it would be kind of fun to have a party in my living room. i only have one couch right now. that's it.

kaylee won't actually stay here tonight and cassi is at work so it looks like i'm by myself for the night. i'm going to have to figure out something to eat. wow, pathetic much? oh well, not doing anything means i don't have to get dressed.

this momentary interruption in your day has been brought to you by my need to change the disc of will and grace. i hope you enjoyed it.