into the teens we go.

i'm in evergreen, colorado getting ready to celebrate a movement into a new decade. yes, technically the decade doesn't start for another year but tonight i'm going to celebrate like the decade starts NOW. we're heading to denver in a couple of hours to go shopping. we're staying at the hyatt downtown and then out tonight. well, with a pit stop at the hotel to beautify and crack open a bottle of champagne. i'm loving life right now!

yesterday i skated on a lake. so...turns out i can't skate. at all. i had to hold on to natalie for dear life while we skating 16 ft from the edge and turn around and skated 16 ft back. especially after all the shit i talked in the car about how i used to be able to skate really well and i'm gonna be so awesome, i really really couldn't skate. the pictures are hilarious and i must have laughed almost constantly.

i'm looking forward to this next year being better than the last two. i think "apocalypse plays" will help. (follow my process with the production here: http://apocalypseplays.blogspot.com)

i don't have any plans for the future currently. i like it that way. anything could happen. and i say "bring it on!"

"the time has come," the walrus said

usually in my trips home to cheney there comes a point in which i don't want to be here any longer. i tend to find this town and spending all my time alone in the house, suffocating and depressing. usually within three days, my family is fighting and all i want to do is get back to places and people who have grown with me the last couple of years. usually.

not this time.

these last couple of weeks have been really nice. my obligations were to no one but myself. i spent my time reading like a maniac, converting home movies from vhs to dvd, and staring at our tree all lit up in the dark. the television was mine, the run of the house was mine and most of the hours were mine. my family got along relatively well also. these couple of weeks seem surreal.

but it is time to go. i'm off to colorado for new year's, a new adventure i'm very excited about. and then back to bellingham to begin my last winter quarter of my undergraduate career.

today, a bunch of us from the old high school gang met up. it was the most fun i've had with this group of people in a long time. i can't remember the last time i felt excited to catch up on everyone's lives. even though the room was filled with laughter and the stories just kept coming, there was a noticeable dark silence hovering over the room. it's only a couple of months since nathan died; it felt like he should be in the room with us. we all miss him but no one said anything. i guess it was implied.

call this post sentimental if you will.

i will see you in 2010.

things i learned...

while watching these dang home movies:
1) 1991 was all about the little mermaid
2) i was(am) a major klutz. any dance recital, soccer game, outdoor race, standing still, i always...no wait ALWAYS fell over.
c) although adorable, i was a shrill obnoxious little girl. but you definitely know how i turned out like i did.
last) i still dance like i did when i was four years old.

that is all.

home movies

i'm spending the day transferring our home movies to dvd which gives me an amazing glimpse into the life of our family. most of the other members of my family hate to watch family movies because they make them sad. but i think it is great that we have this history on video tape to watch.

i understand the sadness i guess. when you are so young, everything seems possible. being older you understand how it feels to be kicked in the teeth a few times and how your dreams change so much from that time. everything we watch on these videos are shadows of what we once were and only indications of what we are now. nothing is quite as it once was, nor should it be.

auld lang syne has a new meaning this year though. with all this talk of family history, i'm told auld lang syne is a tradition with the mcarthur clan. apparently, we sang it at the end of grandma's funeral. i'm a little distressed because i can't, for the life of me, remember that. i think my sadness got in the way. singing this song on new years may be harder than ever before.

i think i upset my mom when i told her i didn't remember. i'm sorry, i just...can't remember.

break is shaping up nicely. i'm learning things i never knew before.

staying up late to watch success stories

these couches are my shackles that i wear all too willingly. but i need a success story. one of my own.

all of those dreams seem like lifetimes ago.

cheneyland sounds like a song title

i'm in cheney for three weeks. then i'll be in colorado. then begins a quarter that i hope, i hope, will be memorable for a grand reason. (the last two years worth of quarters i can't say the same thing of.) i'm actually really happy to be home for awhile. i have goals even, to keep myself from being bored the whole time. here they are:
- work-out some
- work on STP contracts
- work on draft of "Apocalypse Plays"
- second draft of the play "Dawn"
- read a couple books
- read "miracle worker" and find a monologue to audition for it with
- bake
- eat
- hang out with brotha
- communication project for work
- CHRISTMAS.

as i type out the list, i realize it is much fuller than i thought. i have no excuse this break. i need to stay busy because i have things to get done.

this tension in my shoulders is almost unbearable. so another thing to the list: relax.

p.s. does anyone want to pay me to blog? i don't use capital letters usually, but i'm pretty good with grammar. and i like to blog. and i like some dollars.

i want to paint on my walls

well we got one. a level two...at some point next quarter in some place. i know i should only be excited because i'll get to show the work, my work, and i'll get to preform again. but i can't help but be a little disappointed because what usually happens happened again: shafted for something flashier and in favor of someone who has already had more opportunities. once we have a definite plan, a definite space, a definite set of dates i'll be excited. i'll be so ready.

my level of expectation was too high so of course there is a bit of a let down.

i'm such a baby.

on a different note: i want to join a bluegrass band. or be a welder. or something else. all of this just seems too hard all of a sudden. or maybe i'm not cut out for it.
i want to drop out of school and join the roller disco.
i want to be the poet laureate.

i just...really wanted this. and now? now i don't know what i want.

vying for attention

a couple of days on, a couple of days off.
and at the end of it all i want is the chance to tell my story. i want to be able to tell my point of view. because when you watch the personal, emotional, and mental transition of all those around you, you tend to feel left behind. i'm not sure if anyone actually wants to hear my story but i'm finally at a point where i want to tell it, where i want people to know what makes me tick. well, if they won't give me the chance i'll have to make my own chance. and i'm working on it.

i'm working on a submission for student theatre productions. something i wrote. i want to be given this opportunity so bad that i can feel my hopes rising in my chest. with all that i have, i'm trying to suppress them because i have been so disappointed in the past. hope isn't a bad thing but it does make the fall a bit harder. personally of course, i want this. but on a much larger scale, the motivation for people to produce new works is fading quickly. if your name is not established, no one wants to do your work. what better place to start showcasing new works than in an academic setting? the works of female playwrights are especially looked over. since i haven't been given the chance anywhere else, can't this be the one i get?

but it is a competition, and i [unfortunately] have to be realistic. and if we don't get it, there can be other routes. we must keep that in mind.

writing down how much i want this may hurt me in the end. but i think it is good for the universe to know. and whoever happens to stumble across this blog.

the time of many changes

the more i think about this possibility, the less i feel like i should do it. i'm still going to, i'm still excited to go to the information session tonight for teach for america and a one-on-one session tomorrow but i am starting to lean away from it. i'm not sure that i can commit myself to something for two years when i don't know that my heart is in it. call me an idealist but i would like to do what i want to do. i know i'll have to do anything, everything in order to get there but i will get there. i'm starting to believe it more and more.

i guess i should trust what i feel. the idea of tfa for two years makes my stomach turn but the idea of getting to choose whatever comes next, and being able to change it at a moment's notice excites me; it makes me happy.

who knows though? my wants/needs/desires could change tomorrow. in fact, they could change as soon as i hit the "publish post" button.

paperwork

it is almost official.
all i have to do if pick a college to graduate from (fine and performing arts) and i will really be on the road to graduation. it feels strange to say the least. i always thought i would be in school forever. the end of schooling didn't seem like a possibility, must less a reality but here it is approaching...quickly.

i suppose this means i should figure out what comes next. right? i'm considering teach for america but there are a lot of questions that still need to be answered in that realm. i'm going to an information session on thursday and meeting, one-on-one with a representative on friday. to have a plan scares me half to death, whereas, for most people, a plan would comfort them. not having a plan makes sense to me. although, maybe i should rearrange my sense?

anyway, this idea is just one of many possibilities. i need to start looking at internships, for jobs, for where i want to live. i would like to move out of the state but i can't do that unless i have a job first. and i don't know what state i would want to move to. there are so many variables.

samantha = x

pictures

i see what i want to see in pictures. i look for the certain turn of the head, the way someone's mouth opens, where they are standing in the room. something i look through people's photo albums to get a sense of who they are. pictures of a person are nice, but i think it is the pictures people take of other people are more indicative of who they are, where they come from, who they love then just pictures of themselves.

they aren't many pictures of me right now. and i'm not taking many pictures right now.

transitions

holidays pass like regular weekdays, with a sunrise, daylight, sunset, and darkness.

some would like me to pick up where i left off, to be the same. how can i when everything is different? with each year, we all change and our behavior, too, must change with us. while the location is the same, the circumstances are different. so do not fault me for being different, for taking time to recover. do not fault me the way i deal with things or the time it takes. do not fault me my different lifestyle or my readjusting. i'm just doing what i have to.

i'll figure it out. i'm starting to figure it out.

avoidance is the first step to confrontation

when you want to avoid something, that is the when that thing follows you around the most. death, broken dreams, etc. all have a weird way of manifesting themselves into everything about your life. at least, that is what i have found in the last couple of weeks.

and just when you think you have experienced the last battle wound, you find yourself bleeding in ways you never thought you could.

there's that.

because someone told me to

the start to the school year came and went and i have to say that i barely registered it at all. i've never been less prepared to start classes. i showed up on the first with ten different colored pens, a glue stick, a stapler, three thumb drives and nothing to write on. i imagined i could make paper out of words and thin air. i was only half successful in this endeavor.

this year is different.
well, the actions are so different, the motions are very much identical to any other year. it just feels different. not surprisingly, i have changed leaps and bounds since the first day of college. there's a part of me that enjoys the changes and revels in the new adult i've become. and the othe rpart of me knows that not all of the changes are for the better. some scream bitterness and anger, jealousy and lonliness. in some ways, i feel like a new person just walking across campus for the first time. the people i knew, the ones i had gotten so close with are gone and the ones who remain are busy.

bottom line: i need to get motivated. i have fifty pages of playwriting i must do and that i want to do. i am slowly acquising although i still want to fight. the fight has been taken me out me.

yes, i've changed in a lot of ways but in lot of ways i'm that freshman is highschool who hides in her hooded sweatshirt.

i feel generally not great these days. so, that's why i don't have much to say. nothing that i write down is really good.

i don't think anyone is reading but me anyway. but if you are, don't worry. i'll be back eventually.

the isles

a month ago i left for my first adventure in europe. i only spent two weeks there exploring any and all ancient sites but i already miss it. in my fantasy, i have a loft on the greek isle of mykonos with a type-writer and a sea view. i wake up, eat greek yogurt, wander the isle and spend the day writing and taking in the view. of course, in reality, mykonos is the island where the rich and fabulous play and spend copious amounts of money. i could afford to live and not work there only in my dreams.

but the sunset pulls me in. and it wants me to stay.

bikram

one of the many benefits to living in a town the serves a lot of college students is all the deals you can get on all sorts of goods: discounted tattoos, cheap pizza, and of course deals on various and sundry other items. this week, a group of friends and i decided to take advantage of bikram yoga, five days, as much yoga as we want, twenty bucks.

if you don't know, bikram yoga is a type of yoga that is practiced in a room that is 105 degrees and 40% humidity. ninety minutes of twenty six different poses which all promote digestion, blood flow, and of course flexibility. you burn somewhere between 600 and 1000 calories every ninety minute session.

i have to say that i was very apprehensive when we went into our first session. i've never been one to focus too directly on yoga and i don't do well in the heat. so, you put those two together and i was sure i was in for a disaster. we walked in the studio fifteen minutes early, as per instructions, and were immediately greeted by an intense, tall bald man who could tell from the fear on our faces that we were new students. he had us feel out forms and explained the whole process to us. we were instructed not to speak inside the studio, it's a sacred place. then he laid out the goal for the day: just to stay in the room. it was going to be hot. we were going to get dizzy. we were simply to listen to our bodies and stay in the room.

timidly, the group of us walked into the room without a word and we emerged ninety minutes later completely rejuvenated. in the session, i got dizzy in about ten minutes and spent a lot of the session sitting and yet, it was probably the best workout experience i have ever had. in those ninety minutes you can only concentrate on your body, how it is moving, how you are feeling and nothing else. it is too hot to think of anything but the task at hand. the sort of concentration it takes to work in this space, physically and emotionally is incredibly intense. i watched the sweat drip down my legs and pour from my brow. i don't think i have ever been so proud of the work i have done in a space, and this, of course, is coming from an actor who often works in spaces like this.

the end of the week is almost up. granted we didn't make it all five days. we will have made it four days. i seriously hope i can continue with this in the future. my track record for completing work-out plans is not so great.

namaste.

lapped

it's getting close to the final "good-byes" or "see-you-soon's" or "(insert cliche here)." everyday is a labored step to this finish line. a finish line a lot of people i know have already crossed and i'm still a lap behind. yes, i started further away but that doesn't mean i don't wish i had someone running with me. i'm trying to stay motivated for this last year and i guess i will be when school starts up again.

nothing turns out like you expect it is going to. i should know that by now. it seems that this is the lesson that i have to relearn all the time.

my brother moved out of my parent's house today. or has started the move. so when i go home to visit in september, he won't be there anymore. my mom speaks of a little pain in her heart. she says it was there when i left for college, when grandma died and now, with matt moving. i feel it too. with everyone else moving, with these mountains that grew before me.

there is a reason i won't say good-bye. only good-luck.

new direction

when i started out this blog was going to be all about my journey as a writer. well, as an actor/writer posing as just a writer/writer. as i kept posting (those two whole times) i realized that my process is so internalized that it is hard to write out how i write. instead, that process will remain personal and in part, secret, with glimpses here and there. how i get to where i get isn't as important as what i get when i am done. i think the actual product is more interesting, in this case, than how i got there. and since i don't have an end product in mind, the process for achieving something that is actually unknown at this point is quite discombobulated. i will leave you out of my complicated psyche and instead talk about myself. what joy. what rapture. i'm sure you are already captivated.

many changes are coming up and i think changing this blog is a good way to begin to deal with said changes. it's a step anyway. and i'll take it.

Space

Ever since the recent demise of my computer, I struggle to find the perfect place to write. It used to be I could hole up in my room, put on some acoustic rock and/or mindless sitcom and let the muses do their work. Now, with no computer, I find the challenge of discovering the perfect place to write almost as difficult as the writing itself.

A computer lab is not the perfect place to write. From the incessant typing of everyone else but me to the creepy men in the corner covertly trying to look at porn, there are just too many distractions in the computer lab. Of course, there are as many computer labs as there are buildings on this campus but none of them are quite right. I do, on occasion, check out a lap-top and sit in the coffee house but again I am met with a sea of distractions. This time it is anything from the disconcerting indie rock (that I don't particularly want to listen to) to the yelling of drink orders behind my head. At least there are couches.

There is a certain comfort in having a routine, a place that is your own. (I believe Virginia Woolf writes on the same subject, no?) So maybe, it isn't writer's block that hinders my attempts at writing anything and everything, but a lack of space to call my own, my writing space.

What then, is the ideal? I wish I could tell you. Even for myself, I find that no situation is the perfect one. Someday, I would like to live in a place where I could have a room all to myself with a big comfy chair in the corner, a window seat and a desk. Walls must be blank. If they are blank, then I can make them into something. If there are things on the wall, then I'll get distracted.

Oh yes. And we mustn't forget the coffee pot.

Something like Writer's Block

Writer's block.
The dreaded phrase that we will all hear or utter at some time in our writing career. I think it is actually a sick turn of phrase. When I think of writer's block I can only see a brick wall directly in front of my face. writer's block permeates all parts of my life and soon I feel like I'm carrying this big brick wall on my shoulders.

Yet there is something that I find even more crippling than writer's block: something like writer's block. Instead of an actual block, I guess one could call it lack of motivation? (Although that just makes me sound lazy.) Usually with more than one project running it's course, I find it hard to just pick one. Yes, I know it isn't necessary to just pick one to focus on - thus the point of having more than one project going. But, It leaves me feeling unfocused.

So which project to focus on now?

Sunshine. Got it.